


Welcome to the Vanity Parade!

by talonyth



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: I'm Bad At Tagging, M/M, can i call this a cops and thieves au?, let's say yes, this is very self-indulgent
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-11
Updated: 2017-06-07
Packaged: 2018-08-30 09:07:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,613
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8527240
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/talonyth/pseuds/talonyth
Summary: Daichi wouldn't complain about his work as a policeman - the city hasn't seen a murder in two years, the worst things happening were thefts by flashy tricksters touting for attention. If only he wasn't forced to wear that silly, tight uniform, then perhaps the hunt for the one thief constantly slipping through his fingers would go a lot better.





	1. The Policeman and the Thief

**Author's Note:**

> the mature rating's for innuendos and language, mostly. i apologize in advance

Police work wasn’t half as fancy as everyone made it out to be even if the entire town swooned over their tightly fitted uniforms and fluttery coats. Frankly, Daichi would have chosen a different attire to hunt down thieves but alas, his _boss_ fancied fashion over utility. 

The thieves of this town didn’t think any differently, every second one wearing either an extravagant mask or an equally outrageous coat. The worst had been that one thief that got caught whilst retrieving his beloved tophat from the jewellery store he stole from. Daichi wasn’t sure whether to laugh at this sort of stupidity or appreciate it. It did make his job and consequently his life easier but it didn’t speak for the city. 

Playing thief and detective had become a game in their town, most stealing for the mere kick of being hunted down, for the adrenaline it gave them to having committed a crime. Daichi wouldn’t have deemed it possible but a good show mattered to them more than money and wealth did. Mostly, at least, they usually did keep a small amount of their loot to pay for their horrendous outfits but other than that, what the thieves stole was eventually put on display and for the police to retrieve after their hauls. 

“You look as bright as ever, Daichi.”

“Spare me your sing-song, boss.” 

He turned to Suga with furrowed eyebrows because he knew he’d meet an utterly amused expression. “You could have been my boss if you didn’t value field work as much. You were the one who declined the offer.”

“If I had known you’d make us look like a mixture between Sherlock Holmes and Catwoman, I would have agreed to sit in the office the entire day but you reap what you sow. I can’t believe this.”

“Get used to it already, it’s been two years. Besides, even the thieves agree that it’s worth getting thrown into jail if they get to see a policeman up close,” Suga said and lowered himself gracefully on Daichi’s desk. Of course he was wearing a completely normal uniform, shirt and pants loosely fit. Daichi threw him a glare but Suga reacted to it with putting up an even gentler smile. “With me as head of the police in this town, the crime rate sunk considerably. There hasn’t been a murder in… oh, two years? Aw, you don’t have to flatter me.”

“I didn’t.”

“You should. Look, Daichi,” Suga said and leant in closer, “If a change of our image helped, then what gives? It’s not like we’re taken less seriously. Trust me, it’s plenty serious when people say they want to be handcuffed by you.”

Daichi stared at Suga in disbelief and was met head-on with a soft gaze that was all too traitorous. Suga would have made for a good villain in another life and suddenly, just a little bit, Daichi was grateful he was on the same side as him after all. If only because he knew that Suga was positively a danger to everyone surrounding him aside from himself. 

He got up and sighed, grabbing his coat off his chair with a headshake before taking off. He did hear Suga say something but swiftly ignored it. Whatever it was, it had probably nothing to do with his job. 

\---

“Okay, objectively speaking, who has the best legs on the force? Come on, guys, we all saw them up close and personal at some point.”

“As up close and personal as you can get with a cop. Aren’t we supposed to be talking about… I don’t know, our plans for tomorrow night?” Kuroo groaned and leant his back against the chair’s backrest blinking tiredly at Bokuto leading the whole thing today. These ‘secret’ meetings were a complete joke and so were they as a whole. The entire brigade of masquerade thieves, one more ridiculously dressed than the other. He wondered if the cops found out yet that they were all just a large gang rather than lots of individuals searching for wealth and adrenaline. 

“As up close and personal as you always get to everyone. Oh wait, that’s no one, I’m sorry. ...I’m not.” Kuroo didn’t have to turn around to know Oikawa had to interject something to personally attack him. When the party wasn’t about him, he quickly got lonely, or so he said. Kuroo just so happened to be everyone’s favourite topic (nothing he appreciated, most of the time.) 

“Shut the fuck up, Oikawa, no one asked you. At least I don’t get chummy with like three cops at once, what are you, a---”

“Whoa whoa whoa, first of all, no fighting,” Bokuto interrupted and earned a glare from Kuroo. He should back him up and not protect Oikawa, that son of a bitch and his flashy show stealing all of their attention. They were supposed to share the spotlight, not draw it to themselves. “And second of all, he only likes that one cop and let’s be real, we all kinda want a piece of Ushijima. Congratulations, by the way,” he said, waving to Oikawa and winking. Like an embarrassed teenager, Oikawa sunk into his chair with a huff, murmuring something no one still heard. 

“Back to my question,” Bokuto declared loudly and had all attention back on him once more. Kuroo revised what he thought earlier - Bokuto was allowed to have the spotlight to himself, mainly because otherwise he started sulking and was entirely useless - a catastrophe because despite his demeanor, he was one of the best thieves. Kuroo grinned to himself.

“Okay, so,” Terushima announced from the back and stood up like an idiot. He looked stupid in his yellow leather suit, more like a superhero than a thief but Kuroo had given up on trying to make sense of most of the people he sat in a room with. “That small one? You know, the red-haired one? You say you never get up close and personal to a cop, but once he chokes you with his legs because his arms are too weak to catch you, you get the definition of ‘up close and personal’, I swear. I vote for him.”

“Alright,” Bokuto said and wrote Hinata’s name down on the whiteboard next to him. Good thing he never chose to become a teacher, his handwriting was awful. “Who’s next? Oh, wait, I’ll take one vote from Oikawa for Ushijima.”

“What the hell!? I didn’t even say I’d vote for him!” Oikawa darted up his chair, feathers flying around like of a molting bird. His cape was ridiculous. The fact that he wore a cape in the first place was, well, ridiculous but feathers? White feathers? And Kuroo didn’t want to get started on the glitter in his hair and his overly enthusiastic excuse of a mask that was a Venecian mess with jewels and gems draping his eyes. 

“Quit being hysterical, everyone knows you’re in cahoots with him now,” Futakuchi said, quietly filing his nails. Kuroo called him Robin Hood before he knew his name because he looked like a forest ranger. Not entirely as flashy as his moves were but he guessed Futakuchi had that as his main attention magnet. Maybe he simply wasn’t creative enough but in a way, Kuroo appreciated that. At least someone showed some decency even if Futakuchi’s tongue was anything but that. He had yet to meet someone on Futakuchi’s level of impudence.

“Who did you call hysterical!?”

“Now, now, gentlemen,” Kuroo said and both Futakuchi’s and Oikawa’s eyes were ready to murder him in very different but equally painful ways. He grinned. “Aren’t we all going to agree that Sawamura has the best legs? For real now. There is no room for discussions.”

“Oh, good one,” Bokuto said and jotted Sawamura’s name down.

“Doesn’t Sawamura have the best everything for you, _every week_?” Futakuchi’s lips slowly turned into a smile. It looked nice enough if it weren’t as fake as Kuroo’s story that he was born with his hair the way it was. He reciprocated the smile in kind. “You know, you should really do something about that thirst of yours.”

“To be fair though, Sawamura’s legs _are_ very nice,” Terushima said and was regarded with a single look before the others turned onto Kuroo again. And there it was, the same procedure as every week. 

“Futa-chan, haven’t you learnt your lesson? Kuroo is too much of a coward to do anything about this. Oh, how he wishes he’d be in a thighlock of his once,” Oikawa purred. Kuroo only found that mildly revolting, much to his own horror. 

“Maybe he should just get arrested by him. Handcuffs and all. Are you too vanilla for that, Kuroo-san?” 

“I don’t like the way you talk to me, Futakuchi.”

“I don’t like you and I still talk to you so who’s the bigger person here?”

“I said no fighting!” Bokuto’s voice made Kuroo growl. He couldn’t believe the meetings always ended this way. They would always try to break his perfect score of never being caught instead of simply working harder not to get their own scores ruined. _Assholes_. 

“I can see the temptation burning in his eyes. Oh, is he finally going to do it today, is he going to---”

Kuroo smacked his palm into Oikawa’s face before he could finish his sentence. As if he would risk his reputation for a _cop_. Frankly, a very attractive cop in a very tight suit and a very pleasant voice but a _cop_.

This wasn’t going to be an easy heist.


	2. Good and Bad

Daichi flinched when he felt the hand on his shoulder but he wasn’t nearly as surprised as he should have been. His neck felt stiff and his lids heavy. Oh no. 

“You fell asleep on your desk,” Suga said quietly. The entire headquarter was silent for once, no one sitting at their desks. Daichi felt absolutely miserable. Another evening, another loss against the damn Black Cat. He was absolutely impossible to catch, the only of the thieves to have never seen the insides of a jail before. “Maybe you should go home.”

“I don’t get it,” Daichi said and rubbed his eyes. The pants were definitely too tight a fit for office work, his legs felt numb and his knees were itching. “Am I doing that bad a job that I can’t seem to seize him?”

Suga hummed and took his usual spot on top of Daichi’s desk. “That’s not on you. Black Cat’s a really clever thief. And he isn’t malicious. He has never hurt anyone and usually, we find most of his bounty a day later somewhere. Perhaps you subconsciously have him down as a good guy thanks to that.”

Daichi sat up and felt his back crack. It hurt but for once, it was the good sort of pain. How long had he been out…? “He isn’t a good guy, Suga. He’s a thief. Even if he only takes a small part of what he takes for himself, that still doesn’t make it okay.”

“Being a good guy and being a criminal aren’t mutually exclusive,” Suga said and Daichi wasn’t sure whether he wanted to remind him that he was head of the _police_ , the instance that took care of justice. He didn’t need to, apparently, because Suga picked up on his expression. “Come on, you know what I mean. These guys are mostly doing it for the show. I’m not saying that what they do shouldn’t be punished. But we all, them and us, we might be on opposing sides but do you feel like we think of each other as good and bad?”

“Suga, are you doing moral talk now? We’re cops, we protect people of being mistreated. And yes, guess what, being robbed also counts into that, flashy or not! Why do people call us when their things get stolen if it’s just for the show? They know how this town works so what do they still get upset about?” Daichi crossed his arms and sighed. “We’re working in order to ensure that the citizens feel safe and those tricksters are obviously not contributing to that. I can’t believe I have to explain this to you, the head of the goddamn police!”

“Your antics, Daichi.” Suga hopped off the table. “I’m glad you take this as seriously. I’ve always respected that the most about you. Let me give you an advice to make this whole thing a lot less stressful for you.” 

And then, he did what he always did, that Suga thing he had always done since when they were kids. He leant down to him, knocked their foreheads together and grabbed his lips, squeezing them together like a duck’s beak. “Have a little fun now and then, Duckchi. It would do you good. Let some steam off, you know, find someone.” He smirked and let go of him, straightening his back and doing that odd little duck dance of his. “It’s not like there aren’t enough contenders for you. Just so you know, the only one topping your current ranking in terms of fan letters is Akaashi and boy, if anyone would discuss about that.”

“For a second I thought you had actually useful advice.”

Suga laughed and laughed, and kept on laughing when he grabbed his jacket (was it his because he simply took it off one of the cubicle tables) and left the office. Daichi swore he could still hear him laughing through the staircase. 

\---

“I cannot believe you didn’t fuck this up. I cannot believe this.” Oikawa’s eyes were glued to the screen of his phone, frantically sliding up and down. Was he playing one of those rhythm games again? They were so popular lately even though Kuroo had seen Kenma play them 

“Of course I didn’t? Did you think I fall for provocation? When do I ever?” Kuroo threw his coat over the sofa and stripped the mask off his face. The run today was good. Sawamura almost got him there but not quite. Never quite. It was satisfying to outsmart the policeman like that. He dropped his bag into the drawer and slumped next to Oikawa, peeking at his screen. A rhythm game, as expected. 

“Like always,” Futakuchi said and God, why didn’t that guy get jailed? Why couldn’t he have been out for one night? “You always fall for provocation. Two weeks ago. Parkour challenge.”

“I won.”

“You still fell for it. Three weeks ago. Take a shot every time Oikawa screams at a horror movie.” Futakuchi hopped onto the armchair and sat on the backrest. He had a knack for not sitting on the designated areas to sit on. It only irked Kuroo a little bit. A lot.

“And I did it.” He grabbed into the bowl of chips Futakuchi had brought along before he could pull it away. A grin spread on Kuroo’s lips. 

“But you also threw up for an entire day afterwards.”

“The satisfaction,” Oikawa said and sneered, clicking his tongue a second later. “This game is difficult. Actually, where are Teru-chan and Bokuto? Aren’t they supposed to be back now?”

“I bet my ass Terushima got himself caught. The shrimp was following him today. Ten bucks he’s actually making out with him in a side alley.”

“No way, man,” Kuroo said but then the realization hit him that he did see Terushima mysteriously disappear into a back alley. ...Was he that desperate? “Okay, maybe. Bokuto actually didn’t move out today. He’s probably doing intel work.”

Both Oikawa and Futakuchi raised their heads. “Sure. ‘Intel work’.” They stared at each other in utter disgust about the unison and went quiet. What a blessing. 

“Kenma told me he’s with him so I guess he does sort of do… something at least. Also, Oikawa, if you’re too shitty at the game, let Kenma handle that, I can’t watch you fail as terribly as that.”

“Like hell, Ken-chan makes me feel miserable about my skills.”

“Oh, then you have absolutely nothing to worry about,” Futakuchi said, cheeks full of chips. “No skills, no worries, right?”

Kuroo ducked to avoid the incoming pillow Oikawa threw and waited for a counterattack but there was none. Futakuchi caught it elegantly despite the bowl in his lap and snickered. 

Sometimes, Kuroo questioned his life choices. Living in a loft was cool, living in a loft with Oikawa, Bokuto, Terushima and Futakuchi was awful. To be fair enough, at least one of them was always in jail, their raids were nearly never at the same time and there was the infamous ‘intel work’ which could mean genuine intel work with Kenma or, and that was the usual meaning, having a date. It felt like living with teenagers under one roof. 

Kuroo minded it a lot less than he wanted to. 

“So, when’s your intel work, Tetsu-chan?” Oikawa said, smiling from one ear to another. The phone in his hands vibrated like mad.

“When yours ends. So probably never.”

Futakuchi snorted and choked on chips in the background. This had been a win-win situation, in all possible ways. 

Oikawa hopped off the sofa with a self-complacent smile and waved sheepishly. “It’s okay, you don’t have to be jealous you’re not as desirable. Oikawa-san will take care of you and your hair and you’ll see, you’ll wrap Sawamura’s legs around your neck sooner than you know it.”

Again, Futakuchi choked, coughed violently and this time, he genuinely sounded like dying. Kuroo ripped the pillow out of his hands and threw it at the back of Oikawa’s head as he ran into his bedroom. 

These damn assholes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> votes on oikawa's best girl in love live and best boy in enstars. go


	3. Mansion or Villa?

“So,” Suga started and Daichi knew he didn’t want to listen to what he had to say. 

Ever since they were children, Suga’s antics made sense - but his following advice never did. Daichi made it a habit not to listen to it unless he felt brave enough to fuck up his entire life. There was no need to, not in the matter Suga very obviously wanted to discuss. 

“Guess who knows when Black Cat plans a coup?” Suga’s smile was broad and bright. He almost fooled Daichi there. Almost. Wasn’t this guy busy with _work_? As head of the police, Suga probably had a lot to do. Or so Daichi thought but in the last two years, he could count on his fingers how often he had seen Suga sit down and do his paperwork. Perhaps he shouldn’t have declined the offer, back then. 

“I’m not interested,” Daichi said and typed very pointedly while staring at Suga. He didn’t care in the slightest about that very subtle hint to leave Daichi be.

“Really? Not even if I told you he’s gonna show up at Miracle Mansion tonight?” 

“First of all,” Daichi crossed his arms and turned to Suga. As always, he sat on his desk without asking nor being careful about the files resting on it. He wasn’t entirely wrong when he said that Daichi rarely ever worked with them in the first place but that was no reason to plant his butt on them - especially not when he was wearing a pair of comfortable suit bottoms. Never thought he would call those comfortable until he wore his field suit. “That building is called Wonder Villa, why are you renaming it? And second of all, I don’t care.”

“You don’t care if he steals antiquities? Daichi, that place is a gold mine. ...And I don’t say it because there are golden chairs in there, I swear. Also, Miracle Mansion is absolutely the better name. I already sent them an E-mail about it.”

“Did they ever get back to you?”

“No.”

“Unsurprisingly,” Daichi shot back and turned back to his computer. “I’m through with Black Cat. No more, Suga.”

“You are _so_ not through with Black Cat.” Suga jumped off the table, co-workers turning around to them. Daichi knew they all were listening in because apparently, policemen these days had nothing better to do than eavesdropping on gossip. This was not how he imagined his pursuit for justice to look like when he started out. “Look, now I told you. Now you know. I bet… 100 bucks I’m going to get a call from you this night standing in front of Miracle Mansion. No, 150 bucks. You can’t let an open case rest, Daichi. Even if it’s not good for you, you’ll still see it through. Tell your grandma you don’t care, you’ll go there.”

“Leave Grandma out of this, Suga.” Daichi sighed. Why was Suga so set on having him take care of that specific thief? After learning they were a group of thieves and not eccentric individuals fighting for attention, none of his co-workers had a certain target. So why did he? “And make sure to give me those 150 bucks because you are wrong. I’ve grown up. I can let go of things now. The case is in Ushijima’s hands. He is hunting that sparkling, molting Peacock anyway. Cat and Peacock are often seen at the same time, at the same place.”

“Okay, now you force me to tell you.” Suga slipped his hands into his pocket and leant closer to Daichi, voice low. “Did you know Ushijima isn’t actually hunting him?”

“Come again?”

“He already caught him. In his heart.” Suga grinned. This was gossip, wasn’t it? “Did you know they are dating? So he probably has a legitimate reason targeting Peacock. Who is going to take care of Black Cat then? Oh, no! Daichi! Don’t let that bad guy loose and do whatever he wants!”

Daichi watched Suga clutch his chest, dramatically exhaling. He wondered if Suga had always been like that or if it was some sort of midlife crisis. Whether his own or Suga’s, he wasn’t quite a sure. “You don’t have an ounce of responsibility within you.”

“Oh, Daichi.” Daichi pulled back when Suga drew closer to him again. He _knew_ this was a duck incident again and swiftly dodged Suga’s grip. He snickered and flicked Daichi’s nose. “Sweet, dear, naive Daichi. You don’t have a clue how incredibly responsible I am. But I don’t expect you to understand. I don’t do orders. That’s bad for the climate. So don’t force me to order you. Though I know I won’t have to. You’ve already fallen right into my trap.”

“Are you finished? There is some paperwork I have to do because you won’t do it.”

“Don’t talk like that to your boss or I will order your pants a tad tighter next time. Have fun tonight,” he said and brushed his fingertips over Daichi’s cheek before he strutted back into his office. Daichi stared at the closed door and wondered why and when his life had taken this turn. 

\---

“I wake up every day asking myself why I agreed to this,” Futakuchi mumbled next to Kuroo, hiding out behind the corner of the Wonder Villa. The name was awful but the entire city was a series of mismatched names, really. The cops were definitely on their tracks, definitely got a hint they were going to be here. Thrilling. Except they weren’t going to get them. 

“I’d say because you value humans and the world but then I remember it’s you we’re talking about and frankly, why _are_ you doing this?”

Futakuchi scoffed, expression sour. Kuroo couldn’t remember seeing Futakuchi smile genuinely before and figured he probably was incapable of being happy. It was sort of sad, thinking about it like that. He peeked around the corner and sighed with a shake of his head. “Did anyone ever tell you you are really soft and vanilla?”

“Yeah. You. Every day. I’m still a better thief than you are. Pretending to be a stone-cold, poisonous bitch doesn’t make you any more capable than a soft-hearted, kind guy like me.”

“I’m disgusted.”

“Aren’t you always?” Kuroo cracked his knuckles and stretched his limbs. Stake-outs weren’t his forte nor his favourite thing to do - he couldn’t believe he lost at Uno so miserably that he had to bow and leave the fun parts to Bokuto and Oikawa. “Where is Terushima, actually? Is he still in jail?”

“Nah,” Futakuchi replied and crouched down, eyes still focusing on the distance. “He was home earlier, said he was gonna ‘make up the fun time he lost in jail’. Those, like, two days or whatever. Bokuto-san’s the only one nuts enough to go for a haul right after getting out of jail. Guess he isn’t our magician for nothing.”

“Well, I guess a jester wouldn’t have been of any use in this heist. We have to be quiet and that’s not his strongest suit.”

Futakuchi nodded absent-mindedly and fiddled with an arrow. He was _so_ Robin Hood that it hurt. But he didn’t do it for that sort of noble reason either way. “I’ve been thinking, the cops have no idea about… you know.”

“Don’t think they do.” Kuroo slouched down. He could hear people talk in front of the Villa, lights casting shadows on the ground. Three people. “They wouldn’t try to catch us so badly if they did. Why, would you like to work with the cops, Futakuchi? So _sweet_.”

Kuroo hadn’t thought it possible for Futakuchi to have an even worse expression than his default one but he was obviously mistaken. “Yuck, no. Then again that doesn’t seem to matter to any of the others, they make out with cops anyway. _Traitors_.”

“Aren’t you just jealous?” Kuroo asked with a grin on his face. The shadows on the ground were moving. They were splitting up, swarming out to find them. 

“Yeah, you’re one to talk. When are you gonna get arrested, Kuroo-san? When are you _finally_ going to get your handcuffs from your favourite policeman?”

"This is exactly why no one likes you.”

Futakuchi stood up and grinned, swinging himself up onto a container resting against the wall. “I never once said that was my intention. See you in hell, Kuroo-san, I hope you get arrested!”

Kuroo snorted and shook his head, watched Futakuchi hop onto one of the lower roofs of the building and exhaled. No one was going to catch him. Not today, not tomorrow, not on any day. As quietly and agile as ever, he would escape again and again and again no matter how many smart, quick and strong people the police had to offer. No matter if they had Sawamura to offer - Kuroo wasn’t going to give in to temptation as easily as the others in exchange for his success.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> suga can't wait to say "i told you so". also, futakuchi and kuroo? a tragedy, really.


	4. Moral and Sanity

“Did Suga send you?” 

Daichi eyed Akaashi who pulled back a chair and sat down next to him with an entirely indiscernible expression. To Daichi, though, it looked quite like pity and he hated nothing more. 

So Cat escaped again with his gang of tricksters and he was unable to catch him but did this qualify for making Daichi pitiful enough for his entire department to come and console him?

“Even if I were to say no, you wouldn’t believe me so let’s say Sugawara-san did ask me to keep you company,” Akaashi said and turned to the barkeeper, ordering a drink Daichi had trouble remembering the name of whenever he skimmed over the neat handwriting on the blackboard hanging above the counter. 

“You know, Akaashi, sometimes I find it disconcerting how well you can read people. ...No offence.” Daichi took a sip from his glass and placed it back onto the counter with a sigh. 

“None taken,” he replied with a wave of his hand. “It’s my job.”

“It is mine too and I- oh, I see what you are implying.”

Akaashi’s only reaction was a small grin before he turned to the glass the barkeeper placed in front of him with a loud thud. He remembered what Suga said, how Akaashi was the most popular member of their department and in a very objective way, Daichi could understand why. 

He had an air of elegance about him at first sight but he was as ill-spoken as a sailor when angry. Daichi didn’t want to think about the hole in their wall they graciously covered with noticeboard after Akaashi had gotten tricked by Magician the first time. It didn’t happen again, neither further holes nor further tricks. 

“I apologize, Sawamura-san. No offence taken?”

“None,” Daichi said, smirk on his lips spreading. “Honestly, the only thing I am really offended by is myself. It can’t be that difficult to catch one single thief.”

“No, that’s not the difficult part.” Akaashi drank from his glass and directed his gaze to the couple entering. Not very quiet, those two. “The difficult part is that he isn’t just one single thief. Cat isn’t alone.”

“Neither are the other thieves of his group and I still never got my hands on him while everyone else did catch the other ‘not alone’-thieves.” 

Akaashi hummed. No song, no melody, but it felt soothing enough anyway. “Sawamura-san, what’s the difference between you and us? The rest of our department, I mean.”

“Huh?”

“Did you ever think about it?”

“Are you trying your profiler tricks on me? Don’t do that.”

Akaashi snickered and shook his head, gulping down the rest of his drink and waving the bartender a sign to bring him another one. “I am not. I’m just asking. You are in no way inferior to any of us if this is what you are thinking. That is not the difference I was talking about.”

“I never said that I thought I was inferior.”

“No. _Those_ were my profiler tricks.” Akaashi’s smile was so sharp that it made Daichi shudder. He was truly terrifying, in every kind of aspect. “So, what do you think is it?”

“I have a sense of moral unlike any of you sleeping with our enemies?”

“I would have phrased that in a different way but in basis, yes.”

A sense of unease washed over Daichi. He felt like he saw that kind of look on someone else’s face. Actually, on _everyone_ else’s faces. He signed for another drink before voicing his biggest concern. “You imply I should get intimate with Cat.”

“I imply nothing. I’m simply stating facts.”

“Profiler tricks….” Daichi grit his teeth and grabbed his Cuba Libre angrily. It didn’t make it better Akaashi so calmly received his drink, took a sip and his damndest time to reply. 

Had no one else other worries lately than Daichi’s love life? At this point, Daichi was almost ready to give in to their propositions just to make them shut up all at once. He took a sip from his drink and grimaced. 

No, he wasn’t ready to haul himself at Cat’s neck for the sake of peace and quiet. That wasn’t how justice worked. Usually. 

“I wish I could say it wasn’t. I apologize, it has seeped into my personality quite a bit so I tend to do it unconsciously. As did your field work if I may add.”

“So it did. Naturally. I’ve seen my fair share of things and so have you.” The pause Akaashi drew seemed too long to Daichi for it to be natural. He liked Akaashi well enough but his way of making people speak and tell him everything he needed to know - Daichi was rather grateful he was usually on Akaashi’s good side. He couldn’t imagine being interrogated by him. ”...Was there a hidden message I haven’t caught yet because I feel like you are trying to trap me.”

“Such a developed sense of danger. Very admirable.” Akaashi’s smile disappeared behind the rim of his glass. “I had no intention of hiding any kind of message in what I said though. If it makes you more comfortable, I can tell you outright.”

“So you _did_ hide a-”

“Sawamura-san, your sense of moral is outdated.”

Daichi opened his mouth, closed it again when he met Akaashi’s gaze. Stone-cold and unmoved. He truly meant what he said, without doubt. Daichi expected a lot but this sort of- 

Had he been too stubborn about this? But the others were the ones breaking the rules. Who accepted this twisted way of dealing with thieves. ...Suga. Daichi squinted. It always came back to Suga. 

“Alright. This is your solution? I am outdated? It’s _cool_ now to be morally ambiguous and just occasionally fight for justice and protect citizens while also, you know, having steamy sessions with the ones we should throw into jail?”

“No one said those sessions don’t happen downstairs in the cells.”

Daichi squinted. “Really now, Akaashi? Are you pulling a Suga on me? I thought you were-”

Akaashi interrupted him with an almost genuine sounding laughter. He didn’t even hear him out yet but apparently, he decided it wasn’t necessary. “What, proper? What’s still proper, Sawamura-san? You act as if we are the ones who don’t understand when you are the one who doesn’t.”

He placed his glass onto the counter and sighed. “Times have changed. Crime isn’t what it used to be. In fact, there _are_ no crimes any longer. And if there is no injustice, there is no one who needs to serve justice either. I used to be a profiler, Ushijima-san used to be in the Special Force, you used to be a Crime Investigator. ...Unless we fit into what this city has become now, there is no place for us here anymore. What me, Ushijima-san, Hinata, Sugawara-san did was never surrendering our ideals. It’s because we still wish to save the world in some sort of way that we try what we still see as justice.”

“And my way of justice isn’t what justice means anymore.”

A smile spread on Akaashi’s lips. It was more bitter than it was anything else. “Profiler tricks. They are still useful, just not necessary.”

Daichi was compelled to ask what made them think that keeping up this charade meant holding onto their ideals but he kept quiet. He couldn’t believe this was a genuine trail of thoughts in these days. When had justice been lost? When had it become unnecessary? 

Daichi had wanted, yearned for the world to be free of crime and injustice but if this was the way it became - where former crimes were tolerated, celebrated even - then what was the point in justice in the first place? It might start with a bunch of innocent thieves but at some point, this had to escalate. 

That’s how it always started. 

“It all seems so pointless, then,” Daichi said and stared down his glass. What was he still working for if it was nothing but a farce? “Why would people still pay their taxes and in conclusion us if there is nothing for us to work for?”

Daichi flinched when he felt a hand on his shoulder, glancing at Akaashi wide-eyed. He only reciprocated with a smile. “They pay for the show, Sawamura-san. That’s why we all pull along with it. We fought for justice before which would ultimately make people happy, correct?”

“You are _not_ going to say this.”

“Yes, I am. We are what keeps the morale of this town up. Happier people means they have less worries. Less worries means they are less likely to commit a crime.”

Daichi got up from his seat and slid a note over the table wordlessly. He threw his coat on and huffed. “I wanted to work as a cop, not be part of a circus act. Whatever works for you all but this isn’t what I imagined when I signed up and pledged for when I said I wanted to keep this city safe.”

Akaashi didn’t turn around. He drank the last gulp of his drink instead and ordered another. “You win some, you lose some. I hate this saying. I don’t want to lose some. I want to win. Always. So I do what it takes to win and if it means dressing up in tight suits and jumping about the city, I will do exactly that for it. And so will you. Because more than anyone else, you hate losing. And losing your stability, that’s what does the trick on you, doesn’t it.”

“Stop the damn profiler tricks on me!”

Daichi exhaled, bowing his head apologetically towards the bartender and glaring at Akaashi’s back. He opened his mouth to apologize, fists squeezed tightly when Akaashi spoke up. 

“Cat can’t be caught by someone who stands on wobbly feet. He will always slip through your fingers because you let him make you stagger. Find yourself a new stability, Sawamura-san. That’s what you were always praised for, or not?”

Daichi refused to reply and turned to leave. He couldn’t listen to any of the nonsense his co-workers were spouting for a second longer. Never before had a resignation sounded more attractive. 

Perhaps he should. There was no place for him anyway.

\---

“Dude, you will _never_ guess what I overheard.”

Terushima flopped onto the sofa next to Kuroo and peeked into the magazine he read for exactly 0.2 seconds before losing interest. What a jumpy fellow. Kuroo couldn’t mind less. He simply wanted a quiet evening. Lately, there had been too many hauls at night. 

“Do I care?” Kuroo looked around. “Oh, no, the shits I once gave, they are all _gone_. Go bother Oikawa, he’s lonely and pissed because his cop crush slash lover slash worst enemy slash soon-to-be-fiancé dumped him.”

Terushima flinched. “Wait, for real?”

“No, he’s just being dramatic.”

“Oh.” Terushima kept quiet for a second before leaning in again. Kuroo squinted at him but Terushima couldn’t be bothered to take a hint, apparently. “Anyway, check this out.”

“I said I don’t care.”

“But it’s about Sawamura! Come on, juicy news! You know you want to hear it!”

Kuroo laid the magazine onto his lap and squinted at Terushima harder. People didn’t leave him be for one damn second. Not one. As if his entire world revolved around the hot single cop. It wasn’t as easy. If only it were.

“I knew that’d get your attention! Alright, hear me out, so I was in this bar, yeah? So Sawamura was there drinking too. Apparently, he’s like super stressed he can’t catch you.”

“Obviously.”

Terushima blinked at Kuroo for a second but he didn’t elaborate why. He solely continued. “So he talked to that really pretty guy Bokuto was boning.”

“Actually, the pretty guy was boning him. In case you care. But go on.”

Terushima’s face flattened for a second. He seemed both impressed and offended at Kuroo’s interruptions. Kuroo wasn’t sure what Terushima had expected in the first place. He had warned him. Hadn’t that been nice enough? “That’s… huh. Who would have thought. Anyhow! So like, the pretty guy told Sawamura that his sense of moral was outdated and that he should get used to it and whatever.”

Kuroo grimaced. “So…? The point being?”

“The point being, Sawamura reacted really loudly to this! He refuses to listen to anyone, he gets angry and irritated. ...He is really frustrated?” Kuroo stared at Terushima blankly. He wasn’t sure what he would make of the information that the hot single cop also had some capital I issues. Terushima groaned in frustration. “Come _on_ , Kuroo-san. Man. Get the clue. He’s the same as you!”

Kuroo’s expression shifted, wrinkling his nose. “I still don’t get your point. What do you expect me to say? ‘Oh, okay, I’ll go and hold his hand and help him through his shitty time because I can relate.’ ...Which isn’t even true, by the way. I don’t see how I am frustrated in the slightest aside from all of you grating my nerves.”

“But that’s the point!” Terushima opened his arms wide and gestured around wildly. “Both you and him are the only ones from the cops and the thieves respectively who haven’t-”

Kuroo slapped the rolled-up magazine over Terushima’s head and grunted as he got to his feet. “Are you all for fucking real? I have the slight feeling that you sort of forget why we are even doing this whole thing. It is _not_ so you can all get a cop as a fuckbuddy.”

“Oikawa is going to get married to-”

“Don’t. Interrupt me.” Kuroo pointed his finger at Terushima and stomped closer to him. “Don’t talk back right now. You all lack the seriousness you need lately. I mean look at this, by now we already count on two or three of us not to be around for our heists because they are in jail! Last time, you weren’t even out of commission because you got caught but because you made out with a cop in a dark alley like you have no self-control anymore!”

“Oh, untwist your panties, Kuroo.” 

No. Oikawa was the last person he needed to be around right now. He’d throw around his mighty answers and explanations for how they had turned from a band of magical thieves to a band of magical thieves with cravings for a good reason. 

“If any of you _dare_ to bring the argument that I am just this angry because I haven’t been fucked thoroughly, I am going to quit, right here, right now. Come at me.”

Terushima didn’t move. Oikawa simply leant against his doorframe with a sigh and crossed his arms. He looked awful and it only raised Kuroo’s mood a little bit. He couldn’t even be properly gleeful at Oikawa’s suffering. What kind of bullshit was that?

“So what if we have no self-control any longer? Have you forgotten what we shoulder? Everyone deals with that differently, you moron. I threw myself into the thrill of a relationship with a cop before he knew I was a thief. Who, well, very obviously closes both eyes to what I am doing even though he knows. As if I didn’t have enough thrill in my life, you know. But it is what I need to let go of what we see. Because we see what humans harbour, no matter how you toss and turn it and if you don’t need a vent to let go of that, then that’s good for you. But you don’t have a right to judge any of us for treating this differently.”

Kuroo went quiet and clicked his tongue. For once, he wished Oikawa could have gone into his usual smartass mode rather than being so reasonable. At least that would have given him a reason to be upset. But now, he simply looked like an idiot. 

“We only tell you to go and make out with someone once in a while because we all know it helps. For a few moments, you can just let go of absolutely everything. And it’s the same for the cops, even if they don’t fight the abyss of human existence like we do. They have lost their reason so they need some sort of compensation not to feel horrible over wishing things could be as before.”

Oikawa shifted from one leg to another and dragged himself into the living room, flopping onto the sofa. “Or what, do you think they can just admit that? They are fighters of justice, they should be the happiest that everything is peaceful and just aside from us turning up the volume every once in a while. But guess what?”

Kuroo scoffed. “Fallen heroes, huh. How tragic.”

“ _You_ don’t give this the seriousness you should. In this whole equation, we are the ones erasing every speck of negativity off of humans. By putting on a show, by entertaining them and cleansing their belongings of bad memories. We keep humans happy so they won’t fall to temptation anymore but there is a group of people we can’t protect. A group that grows unhappier, the happier the city is. You underestimate the despair of a person losing the possibility to act on what they believe in.”

“I don’t.”

“Yes, you do. Just like us, they need those moments to stop thinking endlessly. Do you think they would so easily agree to this arrangement if they didn’t profit from this as well? ...Most of them, at least.”

Kuroo scoffed. “You all did this out of the goodness of your hearts then, huh. Well, fine then. I guess poor Sawamura got this useless thief who doesn’t see the gravity of the situation. I never knew getting laid would be that meta.”

“Make your jokes about it, Kuroo. You only haven’t done the deed yet because you don’t want to _lower_ yourself on our peasant level. Because you are so high and mighty for not giving in to your desires. Even if it is just holding someone’s hand, you still refuse to follow your own heart like an idiot. You, of all people, should know. You are no saint. You’re just as forsaken as we all are.”

Kuroo bit his lip. He wrapped his arms around himself. If he voiced this now, then what? He preferred being an asshole over the weak part of the chain. “But what if I get attached?” 

It slipped out of him. Of course it did. It had to. Everything was out to embarrass and humiliate him. Even himself.

Oikawa went quiet. And then, he burst out into laughter. Kuroo was ready to growl at him but it softened into a bitter snicker. “Then it happens. That’s how it is.”

“I don’t want to grow attached. I can’t afford to. So isn’t it better if I don’t act on anything I feel?”

“That’s what you’ve been telling yourself, Kitty Cat?” Oikawa broke out into another fit of laughter, voice going hoarse. He looked so tired. “Those urges _are_ your humanity. It’s the last thing you have left. The last thing _all_ of us have. Be it eating junk food like a mad man like Futakuchi or sleeping around like Terushima, we all have those and we act on them because they show us we’re still human.”

“If we don’t do any of that anymore, then are we still human? Or are we one of those things…?” Terushima had never been good at keeping quiet. His voice never had an inch of calm. It was the first time Kuroo had ever heard him talk in a voice as low as that. “Isn’t that why we wear our masks, our suits, our colours and do whatever we want? We aren’t any abyss, we aren’t any darkness just like those things. We can still eat so much we puke, or fuck someone for such a long time that we pass out or-”

“Spare me. Please.” Kuroo couldn’t take the edge out of his voice. “Is it so bad that I am trying not to hold onto humanity as much? We can never turn back anyway. Shouldn’t we just… focus on what we have to do? That’s all our life will be.”

“No, that’s what _you_ have decided. You don’t get to tell any of us how to use this chance we were given.” Oikawa didn’t look at him, had averted his attention to the magazine Kuroo had dropped to the sofa carelessly. “You don’t really believe what you tell yourself, do you?”

Kuroo stared at Oikawa skimming through pages without giving him a single glance anymore. He’d always have a smart answer for that. At least a yes or a no. That would have been enough. 

But he kept quiet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so much for this fic getting me out of a rut, huh. writing is difficult, folks. 
> 
> and so is being a thief or a cop in this city. it's not all that much fun once you look behind the scenes, unfortunately.


	5. Gods and Magic

The fresh air in the night made it a little easier to breathe. Maybe he had had a little too much to drink, maybe all this talk about moral and a place had Daichi weary and exhausted. 

Maybe he just exhausted himself the most. 

He leant his back against the backrest of the bench in the only quiet place in town - and the most shady looking one at night. No matter how bright the lights from the town were, they never reached this park and covered it in a darkness unrivalled. 

It was the perfect place to be left alone. Or so Daichi thought. 

There were footsteps and he thought whoever passed through here would also just leave him be and pass by but instead, a figure slumped down next to him without a single word. It wasn’t the only park bench in the vicinity. 

Why did this person have to sit down next to him?

“You’re sitting on my favourite bench,” a voice growled and Daichi grimaced. 

He didn’t need that kind of punk right now. He didn’t need any kind of anyone right now. Daichi could have chosen to simply ignore the guy and save himself the stress - he cursed his own righteousness for more than one reason on this very night. 

“Maybe you should take it home then or other people might accidentally happen to sit on _your favourite bench_.”

Perhaps righteousness was the wrong word for this. It was a simple irritation that found a good outlet. Daichi took it either way. 

The other person shifted and Daichi assumed he was looking at him but he couldn’t make out much in the darkness. It didn’t matter either way. “Look, buddy, I had a shit evening, so don’t piss me off. I just want some fresh air at my favourite spot in this park so get off my case and my _bench_. I don’t need anyone sitting with me here.”

“Don’t claim a damn park bench for yourself. I sat here first to recover from my own shitty evening so what’s your deal? You’re aware we can just sit on different ends and not talk.”

“You’re destroying my zen.”

“You’re destroying it yourself, actually.”

A sigh in the darkness told Daichi that he somehow won this argument. In an odd way, it was almost unsatisfying how easily this had tipped to his favour. He had been prepared for some punching and biting and arresting but the world had changed. Just as Akaashi said. In a better way, if people were less violent, less inclined to commit a crime. 

It still made Daichi feel uneasy. It wasn’t the world he knew anymore. 

“So, uh. Guess we’re both in a pretty shitty place then,” the other suddenly said. For someone whose zen had been destroyed a second ago, he was still very eager to talk to the very same stranger who claimed ‘his’ park bench. 

“You know, I’d say it’s just really dark,” Daichi replied. “Not exactly shitty. It’s just a bench.”

There was a snort, sounding ridiculous but it did help Daichi to lighten up a little. 

“I meant our evenings. You said you had a shitty one too. So… I don’t know. Wanna talk about it? From complete stranger to complete stranger?”

It was a weird request. This guy could have been anyone. He didn’t particularly recognize the voice even though it didn’t sound unfamiliar either. But he couldn’t quite pinpoint where he heard it. Maybe on TV. Maybe just on the street somewhere. It didn’t mean he knew the person.

“It’d be pretty weird to tell a stranger what I haven’t even told my friends,” Daichi laughed. “But I guess that’s the whole charm of it.”

“Right? So, tell me what’s up. Maybe the magical favourite bench was just what we both needed.”

“You make it sound like it’s some kind of confessional.”

Laughter again. It sounded so weird, a little rough but in a high pitch. Daichi liked it. It had something very honest about it. 

“Maybe it is. So, confess your sins to me.”

Daichi stayed quiet. He folded his hands together and sighed. Was it a sin? Most likely. It wasn’t good that he thought of the past more than about fitting into what the world had become. Didn’t it make him horrible to even think for a second the world used to be… more for him back then?

“I wish the world weren’t as good anymore.”

And then, the other stayed quiet. Daichi could hear shifting and shuffling so he wasn’t gone. At least that. He seemed to simply opt for not saying anything. 

“Shocking, huh? See, when I was younger, the world was full of all sorts of bad things. I grew up wanting to fight those bad things. Wanting to fix them and make the world a better place. But now that it _is_ better and free of crimes, I…”

“‘...feel like I lost my place.’”

Daichi didn’t say it but the stranger was right. It was all about that. He worked years and years to be a part of a world that wouldn’t suffer under crimes any longer but what was it worth now, when it was all peaceful? What was _he_ still worth?

“You’re a cop, aren’t you?”

Daichi pressed his lips together. He didn’t like being found out. Not by his co-workers who stuck their noses into his problems without consideration. Even less by some kind of stranger on a dark park bench. “Does it matter?”

“Eh, not really, I guess. I was just curious, sorry. Anyway, you know, I don’t really share your opinion but I do know how it is to feel lost. Like there is no place for you to still go to.”

“I do hope you aren’t in a sect of some sort, trying to convert me. I’ll have you know I’m not susceptible,” he laughed but he did mean it quite seriously. Daichi didn’t consider himself susceptible for being tricked into sects or the like but he was in a delicate phase of his life and his mind wasn’t working the way it normally did. 

“Don’t worry, man. I’m really the most faithful nonbeliever you will find. If there were any kind of deities, they wouldn’t have cursed me like this, you know. So you’re safe.”

Daichi laced his fingers and slumped against the backrest, sliding down a notch. “You feel like you have been cursed? But if there are no gods, there are also no curses.”

“You’re confusing faith with magic. That’s not the same at all.” The other man sounded almost offended. 

Daichi raised an eyebrow. “So you believe in magic but you don’t believe in gods? I guess that’s… a point of view. Fine then, do you think aliens exist?”

“I have a friend who’d be furious if I said otherwise so yes, I guess I do believe that. Though I’m more of a fan of calling them extraterrestrials, you know. It sounds smarter and I don’t believe in them looking like small green men. Your call?”

Daichi snorted. Extraterrestrials. Who still called aliens that? It was way too long. “I don’t think I believe in any of these. Gods, magic, aliens. That’s all… I don’t know.”

“How about ghosts?”

“I respect death as it is and I would never talk badly about the dead but I don’t think ghosts exist.”

There was a pause. Some shuffling. Feet scraping over the ground. Daichi was almost certain his conversation partner had taken full offense in his words and prepared to leave. But his voice sounded again. More ridiculously than ever. 

“Alright, so you’re one of the very grounded type of people who have their own firm way of thinking. That’s pretty boring, you know. ...Then again, it’s my friends telling me to get whatever crawled up my ass out to have some fun so I am hardly one to talk.”

“That bothers you?”

“Trust me, it’s not that easy. I did call you boring but you know, maybe I am not that different from you. I said I don’t share your view regarding the world and how it should be more like it used to be.” A pause again. And a sigh. “I think I like it that people are happier and less likely to hurt others for their own good. But some things are getting way out of hand. I like my routine. I like doing things my way. But it’s been kinda messy lately.”

Daichi nodded quietly. “We’re pretty much on the same page then.”

“I don’t condemn you. I think feeling lost does that to you. Since you don’t know where you belong, you want the time back in which you did feel like there was a place for you. Just don’t let this feeling grow too much. It wouldn’t do you any good.”

This time, it was Daichi’s turn to pause and think. What that guy said - wasn’t it exactly what he thought? It was almost scary. “Wise words, I suppose. It’s not that easy, though. ...You said you once felt like this too, right? So how did you solve this?”

The stranger didn’t reply. For a long time, they both simply sat there, Daichi waiting and the other thinking, probably. Or doing whatever, really. For a moment, Daichi thought the other had left. 

And then he spoke up again. 

“You wouldn’t believe it if I told you. Let’s say, I found this group of people who were just like me. They were lost too. They had lost their entire existence, they had lost themselves, just like me. We were all these sad bastards until we found a new purpose. It’s pretty harsh, actually and it still doesn’t suit me right sometimes. ...I do wish I could be like I used to but I think what I do now has been the right choice.”

Daichi didn’t know what to answer. What that guy said made no sense in the slightest. Not to him at least. The part about people like him, that Daichi could understand. It was easier to find a solution when there were more like you. But losing their existence? New purpose? The right thing? 

He didn’t find it in him to ask what it meant. 

He didn’t believe the other would have answered, either way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my apologies for the slow updates. i have... well, recovering out of a slump is hard when you feel worthless af. i think i understand daichi a little better now. but you can find comfort in a parent, a sibling, a friend - or a total stranger on 'his' park bench. kuroo is just picky where he sits, really

**Author's Note:**

> now what can i say. this probably doesn't seem like it but i've been in a pretty bad place regarding writing for months. i lost my mojo entirely, couldn't write even if i tried. i needed something to lift my spirits and this was the result. writing still doesn't feel as it used to but i'm trying to get there again. with these words, i hope this brings me and you and all of us some fun because heck if we don't need a lot of that


End file.
